Metz, The Social Concept

What I've Learned From My Divorce

March 18, 2009

[I rarely get this personal on the blog, but there are some things that I’ve learned in the last six months that I feel have real value to my readers.]

Since the fall of last year, I’ve been working through a mostly amicable divorce from my partner of the last five years. To say that the experience has been transformational would be a gross understatement – this event was really a turning point in my life.

I’ve learned a number of major lessons from it, and I’m going to elaborate on a few of them here:

1. It Takes A Real Dark Moment To Learn Who Your Real Friends Are: I was really surprised at the number of friendships that were abruptly broken in this entire process, but I was equally surprised by the amount of people who came out of the woodwork to be really supportive. It’s really comforting to know that even when a member of your own family is having trouble seeing things from your point of view, that there are friends and colleagues who can be deeply empathetic.

2. Clients Realize That You’re A Person, Too: I struggled as hard as I could through the early months of the divorce (October to December of 2009) to do as best of a job as I could on my client work. I have to admit, there were some days that I wasn’t 100%, and I think my clients were able to tell (I chose to not disclose this information to them, except for a select few). But, whenever I did drop the ball, I was sure to make it up to them, and give them extra time and attention in the following months. I also discounted my services substantially during that time period because I felt that I was not operating at 100% – it was the only fair thing to do. Business is business, after all, and I know that my clients do not hire me for my benefit – they hire for theirs. That said, they are a truly amazing group of people, and very understanding, and I’m very grateful.

3. Physical Fitness Is A Number One Priority: In the months since the divorce, I’ve really upped my fitness and preventative-care component (acupuncture, nutrition), and have actually become a pesco-vegetarian (only eating fish and veggies). My energy is higher than ever, and I have this jarring life transition to thank for it (new living situation, new city, etc.) Working out frequently does wonders for one’s mood, especially lifting free weights.

4. The Music Inspires The Message: A lot of what kept me pretty positive in this dark time was really inspiring music. Judee Sill’s Dreams Come True and Peter Gabriel’s early solo albums really helped me get through this critical personal and professional re-birth. I also wrote and recorded a new album during this time, a “rock opera” of sorts, 5667 Carberry, and I’m currently mixing this with my good friend and former bandmate, Dan Horne, down in L.A..

5. There’s Nothing As Inspiring As New Friendships: I’ve been so fortunate in the last six months to have made a handful of really nice new friends and I’ve even met a really nice girl , who I’ve been dating for a few months now. Nothing demonstrates that you’re moving forward in life and doing positive things like the formation of new relationships.

6. Gratitude: The only thing that you can do, looking back on a relationship that didn’t work, is be thankful for the things that you learned from it, and apply those lessons to your new life. It’s pointless to give in to negative emotions like resentment and bitterness – they’re total time-sucks, and they prevent you from being the best person you can be.

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